odds and ends

not even close

etwas — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:32:30 +0000

一開始
你們靠近那時的我
然後說
好像看不清楚
應該就是這樣吧

其實在裡面的我你們沒看到 …… not even close

後來
我自作聰明地想
好吧
那就不要讓你們靠太近好了
不會被清楚評價
起碼
也不會被一知半解下地評價

距離的確造就了一層薄薄的美
結果
你們膜拜我
試圖想靠近我

當一層薄霧被消散
你們又失望(或是安心?)地說
應該就是這樣吧

最後在裡面的我你們還是沒看到 …… not even close

Thriving Ivory & SOKO

etwas — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 06:41:23 +0000

I didn’t know Thriving Ivory until downloading their FREEEEEEEEE MV, “Angels On The Moon”, from iTunes(thank you pal!). I felt really like this song and tried to find the lyrics and more information about them. Then I stumbled upon this good piece, “I’ll Kill Her” by SOKO. Although having no idea who she is, I still was intrigued.

my very own 2009′s resolutions

etwas — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 12:35:57 +0000

I came across a post here. I, as a freelance-going-to-be programmer, should set up a few resolutions either. Prospectively after Feb. when I’m going to quit the job and anticipate not to find a new one, which means I’m gonna double(or triple) my free time.

Here’s the list I’m now thinking of, and it keeps growing:
1. Learn lisp, really, dive in.
2. Trace some interesting subsystems in linux kernel.
3. Contribute a little to open source communities.
4. Programming languages, compiler. I have few books waiting to be finished.
5. Algorithm/data structure of some given lectures, and possibly some math topics.
6. IELTS 7, I hope. Then I can apply some post-graduate programs and hope one of them accepts me.
7. Guitar? Piano? I would if I got the time.
8. Girls? You’ve got to be kidding me!!

that’s where things get nasty

etwas — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:31:37 +0000

又是這樣
本來開始設計
就分類好了
像tree一樣
每一level的sibling都應該有類似的特性
但是
每每都要到subtree去做一些workaround for special cases
更有甚者
這些special case有時還會違反了當初歸到某parent下的初衷
i don’t want to write shit code.
but i’m enforced to do so.

所以我想有時候看到一些ugly code
可能要多帶點同理心
作者當初可能面臨跟我一樣的掙扎

最受不了的

etwas — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:21:15 +0000

這幾個月前的難受
不是今天
但是仍然想留下來
提醒自己
都會過去的(吧?)
——–

原來
最受不了的是
treated like nothing
靠近
遠離
說了什麼

寫了什麼
都
與我無關

回想
有人單方面喜歡我時
由於我並沒有同樣感情的緣故
做的任何事
並沒有把她放在心上
可是對她來說
就算我只是動了動小指頭
都有意義
一直到她發現
這個意義是她自己加上去的
這種難過
在我自己的感情戰場
攻守互換後
我現在真的能夠瞭解
對自己也對喜歡我的那個人
有一絲絲的同情

又是一次不能被人瞭解的不快

etwas — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 07:47:06 +0000

這樣有心機的一個人如我
同時也不樂於虛偽
拒絕虛以委蛇
不想靠近讓我難過的人事物
勉強把笑容擠出來
然後讓, 除了自己, 好過
辦不到啊
give me reason why i should do this for you
你不能對這樣的我多苛責些什麼吧

give me a break

etwas — Fri, 16 May 2008 03:58:18 +0000

打從去年底困擾著我的這個感情問題
一直在想放又不想放之間擺盪
昨天
喔
原來她四年啊那似乎是沒有我介入的空間吧
那就這樣吧
我想要饒了自己

But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

You’re Beautiful ~James Blunt

She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

burning

etwas — Fri, 16 May 2008 03:36:11 +0000

知道syspan有blog,更驚異於他在裡面不慍不火地表達自己的心情
我跟他解釋為甚麼我沒有寫blog,算是make an excuse吧
“自己真的心裡有太多終年不見天日的角落
放上去真的不想讓認識的人看到
可是其他那些風和日麗的心情似乎也沒有放上去的必要矛盾阿”

他說
“其實我會覺得也沒多少人會看所以就無所為了耶”

或許吧
也許我總是想放上去後能野火燎原
想要燒到某些人事物
吊詭的是
不想讓人知道是我放的火

好吧
我試試

28

etwas — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:55:30 +0000

too old to unabashedly declare having none
不能理直氣壯地一無所有
yet haven’t earn anything at all
尷尬的年齡啊

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expectation

etwas — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 07:28:25 +0000

掙扎
我該有期望嗎
沒有期望就不會有失望?

避開可能的擦身而過
就算有出其不意的接觸
也不能再把它當成心動的理由
當下也許甘甜
but it turns out to be hurts
所以
讓我別過頭
費力地揪住眼角的餘光
生怕一個不小心…

小小的可憐的 (可笑的?) expectation哪
請你請你 stay
stay
stay in the little conner of my heart

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Tags: emotion